Moving Away

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It's time to move away! You can find me at Tumblr now. http://late2thescene.tumblr.com/

On this day, 7 months ago

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But now our last days of silence scream in blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you grow
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

It All Began With..

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This is the continuation of the last post, where I'm trying to look back on the past few months of a relationship that I hold dearly but sadly has passed like all good things.

The Beginning:

It all started with a text I sent to Annabel trying to tease Dickson. That was how all this started, with one text. My memory becomes shoddy but I remember specific things. the second time we went out Anna asked me to go out and we ended up in Sunway Pyramid to hang out. I remember us having a nice long talk in one of the cafe's there. I remember her shedding a few tears and me comforting her. I also remember me and her agreeing to come over to my place so I could 'teach her accounts'. Both of us just wanted to spend time with each other I guess but were to shy to say it. So that was our excuse to hang out with each other.

I remember the day she called suddenly and told me she was fond of me. My reply to that after a few hours of trying to convince myself I didn't dream it was that I reciprocated how she felt. And that was really how we got together. The next few things went by pretty fast even though we wanted to keep slow and private. In the second day, we held hands and by the 5th we had already kissed. The rest is as they say history. I remember how she was so shy to hold hands in front of classmates but soon enough we got used to being publicly affectionate.

The Middle:

I remember so much of the good really. As time passed, it seemed like we were just so comfortable with each other. It was as if we knew each other forever. We told each other everything, well almost. I guess you'll find another version from her but as I said I remember the good. To be honest, there were many times we hovered on the brink of breaking apart but somehow that love seemed to always keep us together. Between the arguments, suicide threats, shouting, I think we were a really loving couple for most of it. We always used to go for almost any movie and even when work started we always found the time for each other. Many people would look at this and say it was more infactuation rather than love. But I think we were very special and I always thought we would end up together. Alas, life is never as easy as it seems. I remember us celebrating our month-saries sometimes extravagantly and sometimes not so. Her birthday was a special memory because we had a huge fight that day but managed to get over it and we made it into an awesome day together.

The End:

The end has probably been covered in the last post but I would like to use this section to clear a few things. Firstly, we were quite crazy about each other and sometimes that craze would flow into our fights and how we reacted to each other. I think by the time we broke up, we had started to take each other for granted. Secondly, and I think Anna would also want me to say this, yes, I did push her twice during 2 of our arguments. I admit that it absolutely totally wrong for me to do what I did. And I stopped it once i realised that mistake. Thirdly, i would just like to say that I wanted this relationship to last forever because I truly loved Annabel Kok. Some part of me will always love her because she was just so special in my eyes. Jealousy might have become a big problem in our relationship but I guess that's what happens when you love someone a lot. For all the wrong things I said and did, I would like to apologise wholeheartedly to Annabel. You have given me the best time of my life while you were with me. Thanks and I wish you all the best and if one day life might permit us to forget everything and be friends, I would gladly embrace it. So farewell, take care and...well, although it sounds wrong, I love you baby =)

26 Days...

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And counting. Time has gone pretty fast since the break up and I would like to put it all into perspective. Also, I would like to thank three specific people who have helped me through all this without which I wouldn't know I could have gotten through it. So, thank you: Kate Gabriela Crewes, Kelly Catalina Johanna Opgernoort and Mohd Noer bin Abu. I just had to put in your full names because I like 'em. Well, the first 2 anyways =) You were the few people I could turn to when my world seemed to crumble before my eyes. As a simple foreword, I want to state that I have no regrets about this past relationship nor will I ever forget it because it was one of if not the best relationship I have had the privilege of being involved in. Pretty worthless words now but at least let it be noted. I will go through the last four weeks since Annabel Kok and I broke up and then go back to where this story began.

September 7, 2010- Week 1
Annabel came over this day and I had just gotten back from work. Being tired, I told her that I was going to take a nap. She said she wanted to go back early to have dinner with her family so she wouldn't sleep. i told her to turn on the alarm just in case. When I woke up she had fallen asleep and she was late. She was angry and as she left into the taxi, I said "third time in six days". What I meant was that was the 3rd time she had gotten angry over a small thing over 6 days. That night she texted me and I feel i over reacted because I had been holding so much in. over the next few days, we swayed from her looking totally uninterested and me becoming more flustered and frustrated. By the following week, it was quite clear we had fallen apart.

September 14, 2010- Week 2
By this day, I was falling apart as she had become concrete in her decision to end the relationship that had lasted for almost 5 months. It was supposed to be our 5th month-sary this day and I thought I could do something really romantic to get her back. So knowing she would finish her shift at 11pm at Traders Hotel, I bought a red rose and took the train there late at night with the intention of surprising her. When 11pm struck, I called her to ask where she was. She told me she was at home. Feeling disappointed and heart broken, I started to walk away and find a place to buy a bottle of water. I called her back about 10 minutes later and that's when I heard people saying bye to her and it dawned on me that she was actually still there. I ran what was about 3-4km back to Traders but by the time I reached that place, she told me she had already left. Feeling so empty I screamed and shouted at her and finally just sat down in the dark park and contemplated suicide. Going home alone on the last train must have been the hardest part of the journey because I just felt so alone. Reaching home, I called just about anyone to ler out my feelings. To my mum, I said I had just been punished for all the wrong things I've done. Thank god Noer called me out and accompanied and talked to me for most of the night.

September 21, 2010- Week 3 &4
This weeks were particularly hard as i had work and I was getting drunk, smoking a lot, not eating and not sleeping much. I remember not sleeping till I just crashed on the floor. Work helped as it kept me busy and people like Febriana, Kelly and Kate were there to talk to. In week 3 I did try to control but I still tried to contact her and text her from time to time. It all came to the climax of her telling me she had a new boyfriend already. 3 weeks, wow =) I haven't contacted her since that night. And the days have become better, I've kept myself busy almost everyday. And with people like Noer, Zul, Aries, Kate and Kelly life ain't too dull. It's just amazing I'm still standing here and I'm partly thankful.

-to be continued: How All this Started.

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
For I do believe that everyone has one chance
To fuck up their lives
But like a cut down tree, I will rise again
And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

There's a hope in every new seed
And every flower that grows upon the earth
And though I love you, and you know that
Well I no longer know what that's worth
But I'll come back to you in a year or so
And I'll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

Untitled

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I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

Even Now

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How long should I wait before I let you go
How long should I decide

Whose side should I take when both of us were wrong
When we both share the blame

Oh but I love you Even still even now, Even though we fell apart
Even still even now
But I hope we'll meet again

Whose eyes will you look in when love is in your heart
whose hand will hold your ring
whose voice will serenade to help your baby sleep
to make it all ok

Know that i love you even still even now even though we fell apart
even still even now
and I hope well meet again

Even still even now even though we fell apart
even still even now
and i hope you'll be ok